Reported by Marisa Neel
Well, it’s Thors-day, time to get hammered…
…down to the nitty gritty details of the religious revival that’s sweeping the nation.
Norse religious groups have popped up up all over the world after the 2011 release of “Thor,” an action film which grossed over $638 million worldwide. The much celebrated movie is based on the Marvel character of the same name, Thor (the great god of thunder).
The film followed Thor’s quest to defend the great kingdom and realm, Asgard, from all the evils of the universe. Since no mythological kingdom may include a functional family, the greatest threats to the kingdom are the machinations of Thor’s brother, Loki, and the expectations of their father. Thor, the far more attractive of the two, naturally triumphs.
Unfortunately, Loki’s lesser-known (but still powerful) “I Have a Dream…to rule” speech was no match for the guy with the actual hammer.
Since the sequel to this film, “Thor: The Dark World,” was released in November 2013, the Norse religion has experienced a renaissance in the United States. Left and right, Hermóðr and Odin statues have been erected, and rituals of sacrifice are now commonly practiced on the streets. People now practice the old religion of the Viking folk, and newly enlightened souls in mountain lion fur coats are coming out of their caves as “defenders of Asgard.”
It’s near anarchy. America survived the hipster nation, but we may not make it through Norse nation. As if it weren’t bad enough, East Cleveland looks like a scene in “Game of Thrones.”
Yet these defenders of Asgard are not just mere disciples—they are called upon to spread the word of the great Norse religion to as many people as possible (because it clearly worked for the Vikings).
Unsurprisingly, conflict arose concerning specifics of the Norse religion. Norse advocates claim that Thor’s wife, Sif, is actually the goddess of war and not the mortal portrayed by Natalie Portman. Advocates seem especially unwilling to forgive Thor’s pairing with a mentally unstable ballet dancer.
However, the commercial world has taken advantage of this national distraction. L’oreal has taken this opportunity to increase hair product sales and recently changed its company name to Tho’real. Commercial profits for Tho’real hair products have increased by 90 percent in the past month, putting it in close competition with helLokitty and Hammerite paint.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do to stop the madness; we just have to accept it—it’s hammer time.