Compiled by staff reports and surveillance
While United States intelligence agencies have long been told, among other colorful warnings from around the world, to “bugger off,” they haven’t faced consequences for tracking the movements of everyone on the planet until now.
In an unprecedented move, 67 countries have allied against the United States. These countries have declared the United States’ continued surveillance of the world’s citizens to be an unconscionable violation of fundamental human rights. The belligerent nations have declared their intent “to do whatever needs to be done.” The President of the Democratic Republic of Kurdistan, a long-time ally of the United Sates, declared her nation for the alliance and stated, “Tonight, the battle has been joined. We will not fail. Regrettably, we now believe that only force will set us free.” In light of this event, the U.S. is at a loss—no one can come up with a catchy term for its allied enemies. There are far more than three, which rules out any titles involving alliteration with “triple threat.” The countries do not form any kind of axis. Submissions are currently being accepted at a website that, due to the unexpected number of submissions, has had a total up-time of approximately 10 minutes since it went live 3 days ago.
The NSA has announced that they are completely free of fault here. “After all,” Director P. Ness remarked, “If the other countries didn’t want us to spy on them, they shouldn’t have been so… spy-able.”
Shortly after this official statement was released, the Agency also revealed its plans to retaliate to the outrageous accusations by releasing a special disclosure of previously classified intelligence. In the days since the announcement, the agency has released phone conversation and mobile messaging transcripts and internet browsing histories of individuals from around the world. Agency insiders have informed us that several officials have contacted the Agency begging for this information to remain undisclosed; some going so far as to resort to bribery. Director Ness responded by saying, “With war upon us and forces in open conflict, the old bribes of sex, drugs, and money can hardly be expected to work anymore.”
Information about their technological background is presented below, without connection to any particular country.
Browser Search History, Vice President Equivalent in a Country Outside of the United States of America:
20-03-2997: “test to see if you are a serial killer”
20-03-2997: “how to pass a polygraph”
21-03-2997: “sending emails from three hours before you actually sent them”
22-03-2997: “jane eyre attic hiding bodies/people technique”
24-03-2997: “worst things vice presidents are known for”
24-03-2997: “is it worse to not get caught killing someone or to shoot someone in the face and everyone know”
Browser Search History, Scientist, Antarctica
24-12-2995: “pterodactyl porn”
24-12-2995: “velociraptor porn”
24-12-2995: “interspecies dinosaur porn”
24-12-2995: “how to seduce a t-rex”
24-12-2995: “my triceratops turned me down and now it’s awkward forum”
24-12-2995: “Donnor party”
Texts between diplomat and contact “CBT”
User: What are you up to tonight?
CBT: sleeping, you?
User: I had something else in mind…
CBT: what are you?
User: I’m young and alive!
CBT: Are you sure?
User: Was that a threat?
User: oh god. I’m sorry. Can’t we forget about it??? I’ll burn the evidence. Just don’t kill me.
CBT: you make me laugh a lot.
User: You can’t kill me.
CBT: I don’t kill robots.
Phone Conversation Recorded 8 July 2996, between North and South American civilians
N. Am: What day were you thinking?
S. Am: I think next Thursday. Fits my timeline.
N. Am: Some people might see this as offensive.
S. Am: Like I’ve ever cared what people think. I’m begging you, just get me the toilet collection. I’ll owe you.