Olympian Olympics

Written by Anastazia Vanisko

After the Sochi Olympics, there was a worldwide feeling of disappointment. As it turns out, that feeling was not limited to our realm. The Greek gods, disgusted by the many mishaps at this year’s event, decided to give the world a peek into what a real Olympics looks like. They chose the student body of Case Western Reserve University for the grand reveal; apparently these students were the only ones deemed worthy enough to see the gods’ home.

The first students to arrive in the kingdom of the gods were immediately wowed by the locale. This year, amidst much controversy, Hades hosted the summer section of the Olympics in a resort area of the Underworld. Normally, this area was reserved for just Hades and souls, but this was deemed as a special case.

Mortal visitors noted that the Underworld’s accommodations were better than Sochi’s freshly-constructed run-down hotels and facilities. Some marketing students investigated the profitability of turning the spot into an ultimate vacation destination after only a few days of staying there. They are still looking into ways to put a positive spin on selling your soul as payment for a ticket.

Unfortunately, the gods’ Olympics were not much different from the earthly Olympics. Judging disagreement was still a dilemma for most people watching. As the host, Hades was the favorite to win despite his obvious disadvantage: the blatant hate the judges (his relatives) felt for him. Historically, Hades had always fared well in the shot put, so his gold medal there was no surprise. His gold medals in archery and swimming? Not so much. Artemis had been hunting with a bow and arrow for over a millennia and Poseidon had far superior swimming abilities.

Poseidon’s seemingly inexplicable loss in swimming was so bizarre that an investigation was launched. It was later found that Hades had increased the flow of souls in the River Styx during opponents’ races, and blocked them during his own race. However, it was decided that bringing such a discovery to light would further strain the already dysfunctional family and no action was taken.

The winter events were held on Mt. Olympus, where the majority of CWRU students found housing during the gods’ games during both summer and winter sessions (though the game segments were only days apart). However, Olympus’ residential areas proved problematic as well. It was not uncommon for curious gods to occasionally drift into rooms and attempt to initiate “relations.”

Finding food was another debacle. Ambrosia, the drink of the gods, was plentiful; but it was soon discovered that it was incapable of sustaining humans. In fact, those students who consumed ambrosia suffered horrible reactions. After one day of drinking only ambrosia, one man died of acute food poisoning. Luckily, the trip his soul had to make to the Underworld was expedited by Olympian Rapid Transit. Convenience was one benefit of dying at the gods’ Olympics. To solve the food shortages, visitors sent daily orders to Burger King, Dairy Queen, McDonald’s and other fast food chains. Deliverymen found difficulty in finding a location, though.

Wi-Fi was yet another problem and became the biggest setback of the godly Olympics. For humans, it is nearly impossible to not be plugged into the world for more than five minutes. Both the Underworld and Olympus, however, have never had Internet. Or, for that matter, technology of any kind. When confronted on the lack of light bulbs, Zeus simply distributed lightning bolts. Electrical engineering students tried to explain to Zeus how easy and efficient it would be to modernize. Demonstrating the depth of the Greek deity regard for tradition, Zeus nearly sent the students to a pit of eagles, to have their livers pecked out for daring to suggest the change.

Ultimately, the human inability to function without Wi-Fi caused the cancellation of any future Olympian Olympics.

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