Reported by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle
“You don’t know you’re beautiful!”
Pop band One Direction uttered this verse to crowds larger than the population of Cleveland in Cleveland last Tuesday. However, the hit song will never be heard again due to a tragic accident that occurred shortly after the phrase hit the ears of many adoring fans. No one at the time could have expected what was about to happen.
Earlier, things were going as planned. Backstage, headliner Miley Cyrus and opener One Direction chatted about their record-breaking success. Early last year, tickets for the night’s concert were sold out within 0.0087 seconds, leaving any deals available on Stubhub. By the time February arrived, even these third-party tickets rose to a cost of over $945.
Clearly, anticipation only grew for this once-in-a-lifetime concert to be held in Cleveland, Ohio.
Needless to say, it will no longer be remembered as the tween event of the century, but instead as the biggest onstage pop music disaster.
As the five boys simultaneously engaged in a line of pelvic thrusts, they were oblivious to the fact that headliner Cyrus’ concert props were malfunctioning close behind them. As Cyrus waited, nude and ready for her explosive wrecking-ball entrance, the ropes holding the massive prop against the back wall started to fray, and eventually snapped loose from their weak hold.
Cyrus was practicing her trademark tongue movements, when suddenly she lurched forward atop the ball, crashing through to the front stage and directly into singer Harry Styles’ still-thrusting body. Cyrus’s screams echoed through the venue as she crashed into the young man, killing him instantly.
The audience immediately erupted.
Many parents pulled their children out of the show, rushing to the emergency exits. Others in attendance were in shock, stuck gaping at the action on stage. Some of the front-row fangirls leaped onto the stage to hold Styles’ dead corpse.
But the tragedy was far from over.
Cyrus was still spinning across the stage, knocking into lights and video screens. Flying debris smacked down to crush singers Louis Tomlinson and Liam Payne. Meanwhile, a suddenly-sparked fire was fuelled by Zayne Malik’s perfectly-sculpted hair. Niall Horan ran off the stage squealing; he was the only singer to not be injured or killed in the incident.
“I didn’t know what to do,” he said, trembling, in an interview later. “Death and destruction were everywhere.”
Reports stated that once Horan exited the building, he was met with a massive group hug by audience members waiting outside.
Still trapped inside, a screaming Cyrus continued flinging around the stage until the wrecking ball finally snapped down. The singer ran outside, streaking naked through the city.
Since the event, Cyrus has not been found.
Across the world, cries of grief have resounded in social media. One of the most shared statuses in the history of Facebook, posted over four billion times, reads:
“u think being a fangirl is easy
u think i wanted this
u think i asked for this
u dont know me
u dont know anything
rip 1D” (sic)
Efforts to help Malik’s hair-reconstruction surgery have raised over $3,000,000,000. A small amount of the money will be used for the actual procedure, while the remainder will be donated to therapy for the whimpering Niall Horan, and whatever is left going towards the hunt for Miley Cyrus.
“I know she didn’t mean for anything to go wrong,” said Malik. “But really, the whole thing would have been a little less traumatizing if she just had some clothes on. It was a kid’s show, I mean really.”