WHAT. THE. HELL. GUYS. What on earth is happening to your country? You guys used to be a driving force in the world, wowing everybody with your ingenuity and tenacity. Remember when Reagan was standing next to the Berlin Wall and was all like “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” Or way back when was Britain was being a little punk and trying to tax you guys for tea, and that Washington fellow was all like “Nope.” You guys won a ton of wars! You made things like railroads and airplanes and Coca-Cola! You guys were awesome!
And now what? Look at you! That Donald Trump guy is the frontrunner for a whole party? THAT GUY is going to stand on the same stage as Theodore Roosevelt? England started a petition to refuse entry to that guy, and we can’t claim we aren’t thinking the same. While China is flattered that he likes the wall so much, they’re gonna be pretty upset once theirs isn’t the only Great Wall people can go to and take pictures.
And what’s the deal with your citizens, do you hate them or something? When you aren’t locking them up for minor drug offenses, you’re refusing them healthcare and not mandating paid maternity leave! What’s next, walking down the street and punching every single person in the face? The Face-Punch Department?! And why won’t you give anybody any money? There are like five people in that whole country who can actually buy things. What gives?
And the obesity! You guys have really let yourself go! I know you’re all about the stars and stripes, but you might want to consider just the stars. Stripes do not look good on you anymore. I don’t know what you guys have been cooking in the world’s “melting pot,” but I think you’ve added more than enough butter.
Look, America. Buddy. Pal. Friend. We like you, we really do. We thank you for all you’ve done to help the human race, and we’ll always be there to support you when you need it. But you guys seriously need to figure your shit out before the rich start hunting the poor for sport, and the Statue of Liberty needs to move up dress sizes.
The Rest of the World
P.S. Canada wants to know if they can borrow Vermont. They super like the ice cream.