Reported by Hallie Dolin, senior editor
The 25th of last February saw a surprising turn of events on the Case campus, as students of all ages woke from their post-booze comas to find that the Academy Award results were in – and they were not what the nerds of Case Western wanted to see. In fact, the results were so far removed from what the Case community considers ‘good cinema’ that, for the past few weeks, this reporter has been tied up in covering the prison footage—not to be confused with those who were actually tied up in handcuffs.
Rioting began early in the morning on February 25, coinciding with the time that most students had stumbled out of bed and opened their laptops for an early-morning Reddit trawl. Dorrit Little, head of the Macropolymeric Sciences department, described the situation as such when questioned: “No one showed up to my class, and seriously, when there aren’t even 70 students showing up to Engineering 800, then you know you have a problem.”
It turned out that Little was one of the luckier professors; she was located in Kent Hale Smith, far from the source of the rioting (now believed to have begun in Leutner and spread from there). Campus police were quickly called in as the noise roused grad students from Coltman Road to Stokes Boulevard, prompting several noise complaints and at least ten whiny calls about not being able to work on dissertations. The UCPD turned up on the scene twenty minutes after the last documented call, only to find Mather Quad and the surrounding dorm blocks in an uproar.
Holding crudely-made signs in various languages, the Case Western student body at large stampeded around campus, their voices raised in protest of what they viewed as the lowest of low deeds – the naming of unsuitable movies, actors, and crew members as Oscar winners. However, the protests were peaceful – albeit extremely loud – and the head of UCPD has since agreed with The Athenian’s assertion that five Taser-armed officers and a can of tear gas were extremely uncalled for.
The instigators of the riots, a group of freshman History majors whose group appellation is unprintable here, were summarily found, arrested, and held in custody until such time as their angry parents bailed them out. Their reason for starting the riot, according to self-appointed group leader Darryl Jomfru, was an affront to their combined personal sense of nerdery. “Zero Dark Thirty should have won!” he shouted angrily when questioned by a reporter. “It’s more recent than Argo, and it’s a lot more historically accurate!”
Another group member, Ann Tetrachlore, had dissenting reasons for rioting, claiming that The Hobbit got short shrift. “It didn’t win anything, and it’s the epitome of nerdy,” she said, subsequently beginning a long and undoubtedly profane rant in what was believed to be Elvish. “At the very least,” she concluded, “it should have won the costuming, makeup, and visual effects awards – I mean, look at the axe head alone!”
While the rioters closest to the outbreak’s epicenter showed the most negative effects of being tasered, with shouts of “Don’t tase me bro!” reverberating through the crowd, rioters were most affected by the tear gas for the rest of the day – an outcome some very out-of-it professors mistakenly attributed to their own teaching. CWRU’s math professors, in particular, reported that students showing up to their afternoon classes were far more receptive to their teaching than usual. “I think they loved my lecture on fractal molding!” one very ancient professor proudly proclaimed. “Those kids were crying, and I’ve never seen any fluid come out of those bright young faces except drool.”
With all the commotion, along with the arrest of several members of our writers, The Athenian’s staff as a whole has been very understandably busy up until now. Our CGI editor, in fact, was only just released from police custody for the crime of biting an officer who said that Quenya “wasn’t a real language.” We commend Steve for sticking to his guns, but given that we’ve been stuck with the bill for ten days’ worth of rabies shots, he needs to mind his impulses in the future.