Compiled by Nick Pilla, national new reporter
Waldo Found, Arrested
Early this morning, several news outlets reported that Waldo, infamous man of unknown age and origin, was found and arrested for tax evasion.
Waldo, best known for flashing a red and white striped sweater, glasses and a goofy smile, was finally located in a forest with hundreds of other random people, most of whom were also wearing red and white striped clothing and handling red and white objects. Whether these other people were helping Waldo hide remains unclear.
Waldo has been on the run since 1987. “Our surveillance cameras have spotted him several times in many different locations,” said a member of the CIA who asked to remain unidentified, “but by the time we looked at the footage and pinpointed his location, he was gone. This time, we compiled a book of all of our surveillance pictures, located him in every single one, and used the patterns we found to prepare us for the next time we heard of his whereabouts.”
Waldo, if convicted, faces up to 30 years behind bars. His known criminal accomplices, a look-alike girl of unknown age and origin, a wizard, and a dog, are still at large.
Google: We’re From The Future
Google co-founders Sergey Brin and Larry Page have officially come out—as androids from the year 3147.
“We can’t hold it in any longer,” said Brin. “It’s totally not fair, but we didn’t invent this shit. We’re androids from the future race Humana Machina just pawning off old crap that we don’t want anymore and making billions from it.”
“It’s been a lot of fun,” added Page. “Humans from 2013 are amazed by the simplest things.”
In a news conference from outside of Brin’s Los Altos mansion, Brin and Page described how they’ve been traveling back and forth between 3147 and 2013 through a mobile wormhole stored in Brin’s basement. “Time travel’s a cinch by 2700, and it’s a blast!” noted Brin in the conference that was completely ludicrous and very believable at the same time.
“We hope you’re not too mad at us. So … who wants a free pair of Google Glass?” yelled Page to the crowd of reporters before throwing handfuls of Google’s latest devices into the air. The media fought madly for the glasses from the future, completely forgetting anything out of the ordinar—there’s one over there!
Pope moves to Amsterdam
In his first official order of business as the new pope, Pope Francis I has relocated the papal offices from Vatican City to Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
“To keep the Church strong during this trying time, I decided a change of location was necessary,” Francis told reporters. “It’s a nice city. There are a lot of things to do there.”
Amsterdam, most known for its red-light district, has some pleasant canals and quaint shops. But it’s most known for its red-light district.
When a reporter brought up this fact, Francis said, “Oh, that had nothing do with the decision, absolutely nothing. I mean, I might check it out a little bit, just to better understand the history of the area. But that’s all.”
Francis, formerly Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, has always been known as one of the rowdier cardinals.
“This one time, he broke out a couple of bottles of wine from the basilica,” said Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone. “It was crazy.”
Another reporter pointed out that prostitutes might not go for anyone over the age of 70.
“Shit … I mean, hmm, now that I think about it, Italy’s nice, too. Yeah, I might reconsider.”
Nintendo to release Wii U Me
First it was the Wii. Then came the Wii U. Now, Nintendo has announced plans for an edgy third system called the Wii U Mii, which will allow users to engage in an interactive, virtual threesome.
“We’re very excited for the release of the Wii U Mii,” said Nintendo President Satoru Iwata. “It brings interactive gaming to an entirely new and sexual level.”
The system allows users to select a virtual avatar, or a Mii, and apply extreme customization to control, among other things, definition of muscles, thickness and color of pubic hair, and size of genitalia. The player can then engage in a threesome with preset Miis that are included in the Wii U Mii base game by manipulating the Wii remote, the nunchuk, and the new pelvic flying mace controller. Players can also connect with other users’ Miis online.
“Really, it was some of the best sex I’ve ever had,” noted Iwata on his experiences with Wii U Mii development. “I’m excited to meet some more users in the Miiverse.”
Lines have already started forming outside Walmarts near Case Western Reserve University in anticipation of the release.
Kim Jong-un cast as stripper in Magic Mike 2
Kim Jong-un announced today that he has received his first acting job ever in a report confirmed by Warner Brothers. The North Korean dictator will appear in a supportive stripping role in the sequel to a movie that doesn’t need one, Magic Mike.
“I have decided to put my role in the government on hold to focus on my acting career,” said Jong-un. The dictator, who is a chubby man, noted that he has always wanted to act, but interesting, challenging roles never came his way – until now.
“I’ve accepted the role of Kandy Kim in Magic Mike 2, and will be traveling to Hollywood shortly to begin my training.”
Jong-un, who claims that his looks drive women to madness, has been taking pole dancing lessons in secret since the age of nine. He has also been sneaking over the border to South Korea to strip in small clubs, beginning at age twelve.
“Acting has always been a passion of mine. Acting, and stripping. This role is the intersection of my two loves.”
The movie is still pre-production, and is scheduled to be released just before North Korea blows up the world.