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Phoenix wings: Cheap, tasty and everlasting

Anastazia Vanisko

Kentucky Fried Chicken, a beloved chain to many fried chicken fans, recently made their biggest addition to the menu. This highly anticipated entrée has been shrouded in mystery for the past several months, to the point where many expected the reveal to be disappointing. Luckily, these Debbie-downers were very, very wrong. Because eating the meat of a mythical phoenix could never be disappointing.

KFC decided to switch to phoenix meat in order to cut costs. According to the company’s researchers, if a phoenix is prepared in just the right way, it will continue to regenerate after it dies. One butchered phoenix can now last KFC for years, as opposed to the few days a dead chicken might last. (Or weeks. Who knows how old this food really is?) The cheaper cost for KFC has resulted in a lower selling price as well, making wings the number one choice for those who are out and about in search of food.

Many may wonder how anyone was even able to catch a phoenix. Well, as it turns out, phoenixes are a bit too trusting. Just tell them you’re going on a magical quest and are in dire need of their help and they’ll hop right on your shoulder. And, since the phoenix you may very well be eating as you read this isn’t alive, what happens next is pretty self-explanatory.

There are some troubles to selling phoenix wings, however. Demand is not keeping up with supply, and KFC is running out of places to put their excess phoenix meat. One suggestion was giving it to homeless people, but since that won’t turn a profit, there was little professional support for this suggestion. (Excellent job, capitalism.) However, lucky for the homeless people (and the people who just eat the bread off their wings), a messy death was narrowly missed.

As it turns out, consumers of the wings are facing unexpected consequences. Since KFC’s researchers never performed tests on humans, they didn’t really know what would happen when people ate the phoenix wings. The results are nothing short of horrifying. In some people—thankfully very few people— the wings are continuing to multiply after they are eaten. After a while, the person’s stomach can’t hold any more wings, and will explode from the pressure. Gruesome, and absolutely unavoidable.

But, clearly the FDA is going to approve it, since it may actually take phoenix longer to kill you than Kentucky Fried Chicken will.

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