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Pluto Is A Non-Binary Planet, They Say

Ruth Johnson

After the recent “planet or dwarf planet” controversy surrounding Pluto, the small celestial body announced today in a press conference that they identify as a non-binary planet. In addition, they pronounced themselves “planetqueer” and further asserted the equality of all planets, regardless of planetary distinctions.

When making the announcement, Pluto supported its identity shift with the three qualifications to be considered a planet, in the effort to prove that it can fit in both or neither planetary categories. They pointed out that, like many of the considered-to-be planets in the solar system, they have an orbit around the sun. They also added that, though it is an orbit, theirs is not one which has cleared the other celestial objects around them; that’s the reason they were deemed to be a dwarf planet by experts. This, they said, further proved their point that they could be seen to fit in both or neither planetary categories.

They then proceeded to discuss the remaining qualification to be a planet: that it needs to be round or nearly round. Despite having a round body themselves, they called this a “silly” and “shape-ist” distinction, pointing out that many of their close asteroid friends could never be considered seriously by astronomers and astrophysicists because of their so-called irregular shapes despite holding orbits on their own. They called for this qualification to be dismissed on the grounds that it was discriminatory. To conclude the press conference, Pluto once again asserted their identity as a non-binary planet and encouraged the other celestial bodies in the solar system to challenge the identities astronomers and astrophysicists assigned them.

In response to this announcement, Uranus and Neptune have come out in support of their planetary sibling, while Jupiter and Saturn are huffing about this latest announcement, saying that Pluto just “needs to deal with being a dwarf planet once and for all.” The red planet, Mars, said that what is good for the one is good for the collective. Mercury and Venus were too busy dealing with internal planetary problems to comment. Earth, on the other hand, gave a conflicted response, which Pluto said further proves that Earth, much like Jupiter and Saturn, does not fully understand the issue at hand.

Neil deGrasse Tyson could not be reached for comment.

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