Predicting the ultimate, and grisly, outcomes of “Game of Thrones”

Hallie Dolin

Whether you’re a Stark fan, a Targaryen loyalist, or a Lannister supporter, you’ve probably been watching “Game of Thrones” from the beginning if you’re reading this. Nevertheless, you should be warned that these predictions contain plenty of spoilers. If you haven’t watched the series in its entirety, you should turn back now.

To begin, we’ve seen a lot of deaths over the past few seasons, but a common saying among those who run in “Game of Thrones” circles is that no one is really dead unless you see it happen onscreen. The show takes it up to 11, what with how many times it’s revived characters that we’ve already seen die (White Walkers, anyone?). Therefore, Joffrey’s so-called “death” in the second episode of Season Four is nothing but a red herring. He’s probably lurking around somewhere in the dungeons of the Red Keep, biding his time until battle happens and he can feast on some nice juicy brains.

Since said battle is probably going to be in the North, I’d hedge a bet that Zombie Joffrey will find a way to the Wall and take advantage of all the chaos to sink his teeth into the back of someone’s neck. Oh, he’s absolutely going to get killed off for real, but not before killing off some important (and wellloved) characters first. Jon Snow is a safe bet, since he’s rising pretty high in the Night’s Watch now that Lord Commander Mormont’s men pulled a Benedict Arnold on him. Actually, screw that— all of the Starks are going to die, because that’s how the writers roll.

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny will be preceded by Daenerys Targaryen making her way to Westeros with all the speed of a narcoleptic tortoise. She’ll end up at the Wall just in time to get shanked by a White Walker, leaving her dragons without their mother. They’ll subsequently fly around aimlessly while blasting everyone in the face with fire, conveniently killing all the lords who have a say in the War of the Five Kings (and Stannis).

Since “what is dead may never die,” according to some pretty important characters, Zombie Joffrey will be immune to dragon fire. He’ll also lose a lot of the qualities that made him such a jerk, and will end up basically letting the Seven Kingdoms run themselves while he sits on the Iron Throne and happily chews on people’s bones.

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