Price Slasher remains at large

Reported by Tejas Joshi, press association

Police have received reports that the enigmatic Price Slasher, wanted in connection with millions of slashing incidents, is still at large in the Cleveland area. This notorious serial criminal has terrorized shops year-round for decades, but taunts the authorities by going on a crime spree every year on the day after Thanksgiving, which he has grimly named “Black Friday.”

Several brave undershirts shared their fears and first-hand experiences with our reporters: “He just forced his way into the store with a door buster and went straight for the electronics section. He struck like a madman, slashing prices by over 60 percent! Then, grinning maniacally, the Price Slasher moved right past us and entered the beauty aisles, clutching a bar-code scanning gun. There’s no knowing who might be hit next!”

Police hope the fact that used-car dealerships are disproportionately targeted by the Price Slasher might yield some insights into his motivations and plans. Costumers at these dealerships report that this criminal has some kind of psychotic commitment to offer the lowest prices guaranteed, and, in some extreme cases, is practically giving cars away.

Thousands of shop-owners have already been driven out of business by the insane deals left in the aftermath of the Price Slasher’s attacks. In an attempt to protect themselves from this predatory pricing, many retailers have fled to Canada or the United Kingdom. Unfortunately, their efforts are proving in vain. Hundreds of these refugees have been violently attacked on Boxing Day, leading experts to wonder if the Price Slasher is part of a larger, international crime syndicate.

At press time, the Price Slasher was heard muttering “Sell, Sell, Sell!” and laughing manically while approaching a cowering carton of orange juice with a buy-one-get-one-free sticker in hand.

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