XYZ News — Julia Bianco
Once upon a time, in a far, far away land, there was a princess named Princess Pizza. Princess Pizza lived in a castle with her three sisters, Princess Buttercup, Princess Rainbow and Princess Smiles.
Princess Pizza did not lead a happy life. While all her sisters were beautiful, Princess Pizza had a mustache and frizzy hair. While all her sisters had married gorgeous princes, Princess Pizza was convinced that she would be forever alone. And while all her sisters spent their time singing to the animals outside their windows, Princess Pizza was unfortunately tone deaf.
One day, Princess Pizza was sitting in her room, bored and lonely, when, suddenly, a bird flew in through her window.
“Why look,” she exclaimed. “It’s a beautiful bird! I should try to sing to it, so we can become friends.”
However, after just a few off-key notes of “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes,” the bird dropped dead, falling from its high perch on the windowsill all the way to the ground.
Princess Pizza cried, realizing that she would never be as happy or loved as her sisters.
Princess Pizza wiped away her tears, and decided to go to her sisters to see if they had any advice on how to be a real princess.
“You have to have a waist that’s the size of your neck,” advised Princess Buttercup.
“You have to look super hot in a ball gown,” said Princess Rainbow.
“You have to fall in love with the first handsome prince you see,” said Princess Smiles. “But remember—sometimes handsome princes pretend to be ugly, and you’re supposed to love them anyway.”
Princess Pizza fell into a deep depression. She was never going to be able to do any of these things. She decided to lock herself in her room, where she would stay for the rest of her life.
After a few months locked in her room, Princess Pizza was very lonely. Her room was so quiet, and she just wanted something to fill the silence. She thought about singing, but she was scared that her tone deafness would kill another poor bird.
After a while, Princess Pizza started to talk quietly to herself, and then louder and louder. Eventually, she created small rhymes, which she started to say to a beat: “My name’s Princess Pizza and I like to eat, here’s this rhyme I put to a beat!”
Although her lyrics weren’t very good, Princess Pizza soon found that her rhymes attracted hundreds of fruit flies, and they all liked to sway back and forth to the beat. Princess Pizza was happy to have so many animal friends surround her, and she realized that she had finally found the talent that would make her just as popular as her sisters.
With her new fly posse surrounding her, Princess Pizza decided it was time to leave her room. “Ready to go see my sisters, surrounded by my rhymes, I’ll give their ears blisters,” she rapped. However, even the flies were not entertained by that rhyme, and they fell back a bit before following Princess Pizza outside.
Princess Pizza walked confidently to the main hall, where she found her sisters talking. When they saw her and her flies walking down the stairs, they screamed in horror. Princess Pizza was extremely confused and upset.
“What’s wrong, sisters?” she asked.
“You’re surrounded by flies!” said Princess Buttercup.
“They’re my friends!”
The other princesses just shook their heads and ran away. Princess Pizza was extremely hurt, and she cried and cried. Her fly friends tried to comfort her, but to no avail. Finally, Princess Pizza stood up.
“I have to leave the castle,” she said. “I will never fit in here.”
Sadly, she opened the front gates and walked out, her fly friends swarming behind her. She left her sisters and never looked back.
Princess Pizza did still get a happy ending, though. After leaving the castle, she walked across the land until she met her handsome prince—Sir Mix-a-Lot. Together, they started their own record label, surrounded by fly friends and dope rhymes. And they lived happily ever after.
Julia is a sophomore at Case Western who likes the color purple and chicken nuggets. Plus puppies.