Reported by Mike McKenna, contributing reporter
After a heated four month debate, The Athenian has finally selected its 2012 Man of the Year: Dr. Bradley Ricca.
The selection was an unprecedented move; all 13 previous years of this award have been given to the entire Athenian staff, an easy choice. But due to one new bastard on the editorial board who had to get technical and note that the name was “Person of the Year” not “Persons of the Year,” moved to award our adviser instead.
This is also the first year that the decision took four months to make. Eventually, the entire board locked themselves into the MediaBoard office until Ricca was selected. Only minor cannibalism resulted.
Despite the fact that Ricca is one hundred percent less qualified than yours truly for this award, he is not without at least minor talents.
Ricca is known for being a SUPERMAN expert, and is therefore a noted and adored SAGES professor. On weekends Ricca is known to juggle flames and consume copious amounts of Portillo’s chocolate cake shakes.
I was unfortunate enough to sit down with the Ricca this past week to get to know him a bit better. We discussed several of the world’s most current controversial topics, from how to bring peace to the Middle East to the threat posed by garden gnomes. Below is our conversation.
Why do you feel like you deserve this Man of the Year award?
How did you get in here?
Um. It was unlocked. I emailed you. Let’s keep going. What is your favorite place to reflect on your awesomeness?
My office hours are Tuesday and Thursday from 1-2:30. You’re asking for a medical school recommendation, right? Are you asking for a med school recommendation [Ricca’s eyes became wild, and there was some visible frothing]. Oh wait, you’re one of those Athenian kids. Yes fine, I’ll sign your advisor form, just put the pitchfork down.
I guess what is the biggest issue facing the world today?
Acting like no issues exist or that you don’t have a stake in them. Whatever these problems are, they are bigger than you, so live your life accordingly. And these major issues are absolutely not whatever excuse you have for fake-sending your paper without actually attaching it (“Here it is!”). Being a college student is really, really hard – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise – and you should all be paid – but it’s just school. Learn, do good work, have fun [At this point in the interview, Ricca started playing the familiar NBC “The More You Know” music softly in the background from his laptop. He then seemed to become entranced.] And guns. I hate guns. And mummies.
If you could be a superhero, what would you want your superpowers to be?
What would I find in your refrigerator right now?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, pizza, liquids, and the secret evidence that has somehow allowed me to have a job here for the last ten years. Wait, that’s just some old cheese.
If Hollywood made a movie about your life, who would you like to see play the lead role as you?
Is it a talkie? How about that John Berryman fella? If not, how about Matt McConaughey. Fine. Ok, how about Tom Hanks? Ed Burns? Al Roker? Ok, ok, Curly Howard. Fine… [Ricca sighed] Bane.
How would you propose to solve the issues with the Middle East?
1. Tell Smaug that’s where all the gold is.
2. Send The Avengers to get rid of Smaug by stealing that cup he likes so much.
3. Put women in charge.
What would be your favorite animal to wrestle?
Barney. He would be soft and comforting and less aggressive than a polar bear but I could also rake his eyes, hit him with a role of dimes, and launch at him off the top rope with a flying elbow drop. Wait, you meant “professional” wrestling, right?
If you were a Star Trek® [or Star Wars®] character, which one would it be?
You know that part in Rain Man where she drops the toothpicks and Dustin Hoffman has to stop everything and meticulously count all of them in his head? You just did that to me.
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 on how weird you are. Then, could you explain why?
You have to pick your moments. If you’re weird all the time, it becomes normal. But weird is good. It is interesting and solves all kind of problems. It is also maybe my favorite adjective. Normal can me good, but it is also almost always forgettable. Oh wait, I’ve got it! Plo Koon.
What do you think of garden gnomes?
[Muttered:] Ours is great… [whispered:] I think he steals my mail.
Any last thoughts?
Thank you for this fine award. I am happy to be associated with a student-run magazine that has published continuously for 13 years – much longer than The Daily, and it’s so classy to boot.