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Quiz: Which political candidate are you?

By: Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley

Take this quiz to figure out which political candidate you should vote for. That’s what this is about. (Assume for the purposes of this quiz that you have free will.)

  1. Do you like the U.S. government?
  1. It’s my life.
  2. All Hail Mother Russ…. I mean… USA! USA! USA!
  3. I can’t like losers.
  4. I’ll take it super conservative with a side of congressional gridlock and honey mustard. Thanks.
  1. What do you think we should do about global warming?
  1. Measures need to be taken immediately
  2. We have to think about the future generation
  3. It’s freakin’ cold in New York; we could use a little warming
  4. Vaccines cause autism
  1. How do you feel about your fellow American constituents?
  1. They get it.
  2. I love American. I like baseball, fast food, football; I am true patriot.
  3. They love me. I love them. Especially the white ones.  I’m their Superman with better hair.
  4. They’re all confused and misinformed. Just the way we like ‘em.
  1. How seriously would you take your presidential duties if you were president (i.e. kissing babies, shaking hands with various old people and sitting in an oval shaped room)?
  1. COME ON. There is nothing I would take more seriously
  2. I can handle anything.
  3.  I would take it seriously enough to fire all the losers.
  4. As long as things aren’t progressing, I’m good.
  1. Putin challenges you to the duel of the CENTURY. It’s hair raising! It’s mind bending! IT’S… a game of ping pong, “Balls of Fury” style. What’s the plan?
  1. No.
  2. Me and true leader. I must do it.
  3. I WIN for a living. Bring it Putin.
  4. Confuse, distract, run!
  1. North Korea rises with an army of a MILLION, give or take one or two. The new world takes over starts in, 3, 2, 1… Your move?
  1. Hold on let me send some emails…
  2. America now New Russia.
  3. Nuke ‘em.
  4. Thanks Obama.
  1. An evil wasp cloud 1.5m away is flying towards your family at 30m/s. How long does your family have to move out of the way? (Better figure it out fast, those wasps are like super evil!)
  1. 0.05 seconds!
  2. Family? What intel do you have?
  3. YOU do the MATH, or YOU’RE FIRED!
  4. Umm… Ugh… What he said^
  1. How’s your mom?
  1. Vote Hillary 2016!
  2. That’s CLASSIFIED.
  3. *restraining order filed*
  4. I have one of those.

9. Who are you voting for?

  1. Hillary Clinton
  2. Bernie Sanders
  3. Donald Trump
  4. *option redacted* Thanks Obama.

Answers:

Mostly A’s: You are Hillary Clinton—You are a superstar, but you may need to lighten up

Mostly B’s: Bernie Sanders—All socialists have thick Russian accents right? The NSA is keeping an eye on you, by the way. Take this as a warning.

Mostly C’s: Donald Trump—I don’t think the campaign trail is big enough for you and that ego. Good Luck!

Mostly D’s: The 50 Other Republican candidates—You alright buddy? You okay? You should take some time to think about some things… I say this as a friend.

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