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Reds go on strike, win first game

Eddie Kerekes

CHICAGO— In a shocking turn of events, the Cincinnati Reds won their first game of the 2017 season while being on strike, defeating the reigning World Series champion Chicago Cubs 3-0.

It was hard to not notice the team was missing, as none of the people on the field even remotely resembled baseball players. Their pants were either too long or too short, some didn’t even have numbers on their uniforms and the first baseman played without a glove. The right fielder was literally a dog—a golden retriever named Bud—who snagged every ball hit to him.

Yet, somehow this ragtag group of misfits were victorious against the team who won it all last year. Starting pitcher Orval Overall pitched a complete game shutout, striking out 11 Cubs in his major league debut.

After the game Overall said, “I just went out there and threw my best. I know I won’t ever get this opportunity again, so I gave 110 percent, just like they told me. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have to make it to my shift at the power plant.”

Cubs players were flabbergasted.

Superstar Kris Bryant said, “A hat tip to that whole team. I did not expect them to be that good and we got swamped out there. Just absolutely destroyed. Honestly, it’s embarrassing. Please leave me alone.”

Slugger Coco Crisp blasted a home run far over the Wrigley Field bleachers in the first inning to give the Reds the early lead. The team did not know how to celebrate and was wildly confused. The team’s center fielder went home, thinking the game was over, and the Reds played with eight men (technically seven men and one dog) for the rest of the evening.

The other two runs were scored when, with runners on second and third, Cubs hurler Jon Lester uncorked a wild pitch, allowing both to score. The fourth inning miscue will surely be played on Sportscenter’s Not Top 10 for weeks to come.

By the poor play on the field, fans were constantly reminded they were not watching major leaguers. Both teams combined for six errors in the game, with the Cubs contributing five of those. Early on the game, Cubs fielders were visibly confused by the inexperienced Reds “players” running the wrong way on the bases. The end result was free baserunners.
Just moments after the game ended, the real Reds announced that they were ending the strike immediately. Reds fans collectively groaned. Meanwhile, Cubs fans are circulating an online petition demanding that the ownership locks out their championship team. It has 100,000 signatures as of press time.

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