Release Winchester MacCionaodh, Former Cleveland Brown’s owner
According to a new report from ESPN, former Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner admitted to being high during most of his management decisions. These moments spanned from his father’s death in 2002 until the team’s sale in 2012 to businessman Jimmy Haslam. In the report, Lerner also claims that he agreed to sell the team to Haslam since Haslan was one of his “stoner friends.” Marijuana was the drug of choice.
This revelation does not come as a huge surprise to members of the NFL community as it is the easiest way to explain a myriad of boneheaded organizational moves. These resulted in the team having five different head coaches in a 10 year span, and several major draft busts including quarterback Brandon Weeden and running back Trent Richardson.
“I mean how else do you justify taking a non-sure thing quarterback who is nearly 30 years old in the first round of the draft?” explained Lerner. “[Team President Mike] Holmgrem and I just got totally blitzed out of our minds one day, and you know what, we were sitting there, and we decided we liked the kid’s name, Weeden. He’s got f***en weed in his name. How chill is that? But seriously. So after a few ‘I love you mans’ and some bro hugging it out, we just figured that we’d let the haters hate, and take the Weed-man with the first pick. Weed-man haha. That kid was the shit. You know that—the shit. Wonder what he’s up to these days. Been forever, man.”
Lerner was unaware of the fact that Weeden was cut only last month after two years of not living up to his hype.
“Shit seriously man, he was on the roster this entire time?” Lerner said. “Dang, not really sure why he wasn’t returning any of my calls.”
Bleacher Report “experts” have been attributing Weeden’s “I’m better than you” attitude to the fact that he has played in two more professional sports leagues than Lerner.
Haslam, the team’s current owner, refused to comment on the allegations despite showing up to his weekly press conference with bloodshot eyes and a suit covered in Dorito cheese powder.
His track record has not been much better than Lerner’s, with two coaches lasting only a year a piece during his time with the Browns.
A Browns’ employee, speaking under the condition of anonymity, says that Haslam fired both since they weren’t comfortable with his smoking habit, and refused to try “more hardcore” drugs with him.
The mens’ drug use is still under investigation.