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Revealed: Walmart’s Secret Menu

Erin Hartmann

People either go to Walmart to get everyday items at low prices or to see people your mom tells you to stay away from. However a company representative has recently let slip that the company, despite its lackluster and less than impressive display of items on the shelves upstairs, has a secretive array of high-end products on the floor below. After extensive background checks, one of our Athenian reps was given the privilege of seeing the lower level for the upper class.

The most notable products from this list include:

Accessory/Clothing Department:

Fendi leather handbags: A wide range of styles and colors are available for both men and women. “To my dismay,” the rep says, “they’re real and not fakes.”

Revamped Mom Jeans: While the typical mom jeans come in the standard denim material, Walmart carries them made out of wool, silk, cloth, Papiermâché, cardboard and leather.

Diamond Studded Diapers: Give your baby some bling bling to distract from their boom boom. These diapers are guaranteed to make your baby more popular than you.

Food and Home Necessities:

Scented Toilet Paper: They may have the fancy four-ply toilet paper with the creative patterns on it upstairs, but downstairs lies the innovative scented toilet paper, eliminating the need for Febreze. Scents come in apple, vanilla, Hawaiian breeze and, of course, pumpkin spice.

Produce without bruises: Downstairs, blighted fruit is inconceivable. All produce is hand selected from the producers and the unsuitable remains are sent upstairs.

Exclusives:

Drones: Ever wanted to spy on the creepy neighbor who spied on you first? Now you can! There are three drone models to choose from, starting at a mere $1,899.00.

2017 Bentley Bentayga: This all new luxury SUV will easily accommodate your family of humans or cats.

Purebred dogs: You may have heard barking noises in the store occasionally, and it’s not, in fact, always coming from the employees. It turns out that Walmart sells purebred Tibetan Mastiffs, English Bulldogs and Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, some of the most expensive breeds one can purchase.

Additional Information:

When asked how someone gains access to this exclusive bunch, our rep tells us, “The folks who have purchased one of the purebred dogs gain access to the lower floor, provided they bring their pooch with them. The entrance is around the back near the loading docks, where an elevator takes shoppers down to their level.”

The rep refused to reveal how shoppers might obtain a pup to begin with and stated that sharing this information “would be in violation of his contract.”

Our rep also reported that revamped dad jeans will soon be brought back due to popular demand.

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