The unintended consequences of Roach v. Case

By Athena Western

In May 2017, many important news stories slipped under our radar. No story was more compelling than that of the roaches living in Cutler House (not even the ones about treason and golden showers).

If you’ve been on campus for more than one semester, you’ve probably heard about the roach infestationor, shall we say, familyliving in Cutler House.

They moved in sometime back in the ‘80s and haven’t left since. To counteract rampant and repeated attempts at genocide via pesticide, the roaches in Cutler have been suing the Supreme Court of the United States for personhood.

Their case, Roach v. Case, had been stuck in the lower courts since 1987. In January 2017, when an extended family member took the office of president, the case of the roaches in Cutler and in buildings across the country was deemed of the highest importance. By February, roaches across the United States of America were, like corporations, human beings and citizens of this country.

When asked about this momentous victory, Cheetohdust Roach, a survivor of the latest cull in in Cutler and descendant of other survivors, said, “Hiss hiss hiss, hiss hiss. Hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss hiss click click hiss.” But more than anything, he was excited for his children to live in a world where roaches and homo sapiens could coexist in harmony.

But as is the university way, the happiness of Case’s inhabitants could not be allowed to last for long. As soon as the smell of unexploited people in dire financial situations reached the university higher-ups, the university brought down the hammer. In an official statement, the institution commented, “Even residential assistants who receive free housing must pay tuition. We all have a financial responsibility to the university, and the roaches in Cutler are no different.”

The roach families in Cutler lawyered up in response to the university’s demands but found that they had no case. If they remained in Cutler without paying for housing, they could be deemed squatters and could lawfully be evicted from their ancestral home. But roaches don’t have money or jobs; the concept is foreign to them. They just eat undergrowth, multiply and then die. So the roaches did what anyone in an unfortunate financial situation tied to the inexplicable rise of higher education costs over the past forty years would do: they applied for financial aid.

The Cutler roaches were denied.

When the Athenian reached out to the office of financial aid for an interview, we did not immediately receive a response. We then reached out to University Housing, where a disaffected young Customer Service Associate went on the record.

“Oh my god, they’re so gross,” said the associate. “Why do they have to look like that? Why do they have that many legs? Do they need all of those legs? Did you know that they can bite you? They have teeth. And when they die, they sometimes aren’t even dead. They’re just faking you out.

The Cutler roaches are currently suing the disaffected Customer Service Associate for libel, slander and hate speech.

The Cutler roaches, denied financial aid and without anywhere else to go, have elected to stage an ongoing live-in. They aren’t leaving Cutler, they reason, because it is their ancestral home, and they will not allow continued settler colonialism, the American oligarchy and the selfish, directionless nature of worldwide capitalism to drive them out of the place where their foremothers and -fathers lived and died. They have set up pages on GoFundMe, Kickstarter and YouCaring, and placed a donation bin for dry foods and other scraps in the basement of Cutler.

Donate today to protect a dying culture. Or file a maintenance request and spray those little bastards out of the building.

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