HANOVER, NH—After decades of research on the causes of global warming and the resulting crisis that humans and polar bears across the globe may face, a groundbreaking discovery points all fingers to God Almighty.
The lead researcher’s work was inspired by naysayers, like presidential candidate Donald Trump, who claimed that climate change was “all one big hoax.” That scientist, Maurice Smith, described the thought process that led to his discovery: “Global warming is caused by … God? I guess? Would that be enough for deniers to get on board?”
One night, the Canadian researcher fell asleep in his lab while analyzing atmospheric pollution data on his computer when God came to him in a dream and revealed that it is He who is causing all the turmoil about the future of the environment. Smith claims the Lord told him, “I feel like my people and I don’t have the same relationship we used to. I wanted to let all my followers know that I’m still up and running. People nowadays have more faith in science than they do in me, and I won’t stand for it any longer.”
God, having felt separated from his followers on Earth for far too long, implemented a subtle and long lasting plan to bring us closer to him. The discovering scientists say the increase in global temperatures point to him giving us not a side hug nor a bro hug but a level 7.67 bear hug.
So far, scientists have proven these facts: God’s embrace is warming our world up at a rate of approximately 0.18 degrees Celsius per decade, He is drawing us closer to His Sacred Heart at a speed of 786,098 kilometers per second and he is pulling apart the ozone layer in order to see us more clearly. The Divine Creator is also calling upon chlorofluorocarbons and atmospheric carbon dioxide to help complete this process, allowing His radiant energy in the form of ultraviolet rays to reach the earth at an increased level.
Why does God feel the need to hug us closer? Scientists have proposed these theories:
- He foresaw the election of 2016 .
- He is annoyed with His followers for obsessing over Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift instead of spending time practicing and following His word, and He is approaching with an angry, passive-aggressive squeeze.
- He woke up one day and did not like penguins and glaciers.
- The Lord saw the food being provided by Leutner.
- The ozone blocked His bird’s-eye view of Sunday football.
- He thought coastal cities would look better underwater.
God’s plan to bring us closer has been accelerating at a speedy rate since the 1970s due to growth in the world’s population, technological advancement, widespread industry and the large increase of vehicles on the road. Ways that we can swerve out of The Father’s hug include recycling, reducing carbon emissions and not spraying Lysol cans into the air (He prefers to admire a clean Earth from afar). There were many previous disbelievers in the science behind global warming, but with the indisputable data pointing to God Almighty, all Christian believers of the world are more than happy to hop on board and recognize global warming as a real phenomenon.