Shocking! CWRU announces delays in Clarke Hall construction

By Paul Palumbo

Last month, CWRU made the announcement that construction outside of Clarke Hall would be completed by August 27. Students would no longer have to dodge fences or walk on dirt, as they have been forced to do for so long. It would usher in a new age, one of slightly more convenient walking paths and fewer eyesores ruining a walk to class.

Instead of finally being finished, however, the construction has seemingly grown like a moss. It now extends across Bellflower, right up to the doors of the Peter B. Lewis building. The entire area is fenced off, forcing students to walk around PBL in order to get to class. More workers, more machines and more dirt now fill the space where students had hoped to walk while weather was still bearable enough to do so.

As expected, students are concerned by what this new development could mean.

“Did something go wrong? Will it keep spreading? Is it a newly discovered bacterium?” asked freshman Jessica Jess. “I’m worried it might grow even more and take over the rest of Mather Quad. The whole area is going to turn into one big quarantine zone!”

“It’s not like that at all,” said an anonymous representative from the construction company, who had oddly chosen to wear a lab coat rather than the standard construction garb. “This is all just standard practice for maintaining such a large collection of buildings. Things need to be changed, plans need to be modified. The ghost of Peter B. Lewis told us he wants antlers on his building now, and who am I to argue? I don’t want to get haunted.” The woman then paused for a brief moment before continuing. “Not that I believe in ghosts, obviously. I’m just as clueless as everybody else. That’s, uh, just what I heard.”

Students have begun crowdfunding the creation of several underground tunnels that would lead directly from dorms to class buildings, and the project has already reached an astonishing $17.28. From college students, this is a staggering sum, and shows just how seriously sick of this construction all of us are.

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