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Sneak Peek: The Athenian’s “50 Shades of Grey” Review

By Kara Guyer

It’s that time of year folks; the best movies of 2014 have come and gone and a new year is approaching. On Feb. 13, the long awaited “50 Shades of Grey” movie comes to a theatre near you, and the Athenian is here to cover the latest trailer and what can be expected from a super raunchy chick flick released the day before Valentine’s Day!*

In case you live under a rock and haven’t heard (are you by chance a starfish in Bikini Bottom?), “50 Shades of Grey” is a trilogy that goes into grave detail on the hot passionate sex Anastasia Steele has with her man meat Christian Grey. Making her a professional pet, Christian is more balling than Diddy and Jay Z combined, but his looks are more of a Justin Timberlake/Justin Bieber mix. Basically he’s a billionaire that fancies in the most erotic of things, GREY PAINT.

In the beginning Anastasia Steele, the plain Jane college student, is seen Interviewing the super babe Christian Grey for her school paper. (Why wasn’t I asked to do this?) Alas the small child from Sia’s chandelier video pops out of the closet and screams, “PAPI. I WANT TAQUITOS.”

Plot twist, am I right?

Too bad it didn’t happen; it would have made for some super sick dance moves in the middle of Christian’s office. Christian actually takes Anastasia captive and uses lots of whips and chains. When Anastasia break free, she is senile. Her grudging hatred towards men leads her to become a serial killer who takes rich, white men captive and forces them to give to all the middle class men and women who slave away at work for their companies.

She is actually pretty successful at this and for the first time ever the one percent is forced to spread their wealth around and the world is a much better happier place.

The film appears to end with a fast-forward to five years into the future and Anastasia is seen in Home Depot, looking at paint and deciding on the color of grey for a bedroom. I guess all good things come to an end right? Wrong.

“Why are there 50 shades of grey?” Anastasia asks, puzzled. “Surely people are more interesting than using grey in their house?”

Horatio Cane from CSI shows up, with another famous one liner: “Or are they?”

With the over dramatic removal of his sunglasses Anastasia is swept off of her feet and literally melts into a pool on the floor. SECRET’S OUT!  Anastasia Steele is actually the star from the hit 90’s show, “The Secret World of Alex Mack.” I guess the chemical plant never found her!

To be most accurate, it is clear that “50 Shades of Grey” is actually an abstract artistic movie that shows a new shade of grey on the screen every minute. At one point it turns to black, which I think the audience should be awed about.

The screen then switches to a fight Anastasia and Christian have, where Christian storms out to Big Sean’s “IDFWU” and Anastasia plays Sam Smith’s “Stay with me”.

 

*Disclaimer: None of this is true, if you actually want to know what is going on with “50 Shades of Grey” you may want to use a more valuable source than the Athenian.

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