Student Thinks Within the Possible, Suspended

Staff Reporter

At Case Western Reserve University, our motto is “Think Beyond the Possible.” Here, students prepare for the real world by learning to tackle their problems from multiple directions. Any direction you can think of, and even a few that aren’t humanly possible yet, is encouraged by faculty members. However this constant striving for unconventional approaches has never been as apparent as this week, when ex-student Gerard Haverford, class of 2017, was suspended for thinking within the possible.

The day was Sept. 5. It was especially humid. Haverford remembers this due to his desperation to return to his apartment after his last class, only to be greeted by a small black envelope with a waxy crimson seal.

“It was on President Snyder’s personal letterhead, but I had no idea what it was about,” said Haverford. “All it said was ‘We know what you did’ scrawled in blood, and a picture of my face, scribbled out in red.”

Later that day when Haverford checked SIS, he found that he had been removed from all of his classes and could not add any new ones.

When pressed about this odd occurrence, President Barbara ‘Babs’ Snyder explained that Haverford wasn’t meeting his daily quota for thinking beyond the possible.

“Upon further inspection by my team of mind-scanners, we found that Mr. Haverford was simply lacking compared to every other person on campus,” she said. “There have been squirrels on campus with more imagination than Mr. Haverford. In fact, we recently had one graduate…”

Snyder began murmuring incoherently about squirrels, before returning to her point. “After we did our research, we found that Mr. Haverford had been having issues since his freshman year. On Feb. 2, 2014, Mr. Haverford wanted to put a load of laundry into the washer, but someone was late to switch over their own clothes. While others facing the same situation thought beyond the possible, took the person’s wet laundry out of the wash, placed it into the trash bin and threw the bin out the window, Mr. Haverford decided instead to think within the possible and simply wait until the owner came back. When he forgot to study for a quiz, Mr. Haverford decided to just accept his low grade on the assessment rather than trying to find an overly complex way to get out of taking the quiz. He could have at least attempted to forge a new identity or something.”

As of now, there has been no further action on the part of Snyder towards Haverford, and he is still suspended indefinitely.

“Until Mr. Haverford can begin to think beyond the possible, he has no chance of returning to CWRU,” Snyder said.

In an era where people are encouraged not only to think inside the box, but to force the box inwards upon themselves, it’s amazing to see a school forcing its students to relentlessly think outside of the box.

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