11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Summer Suxxx

Charlie Topel

Hey, idiots. It’s me. I’m back with another opinion. This is gonna start to be a regular thing, so you’re just gonna have to sit there and take it.
You know what I can’t stand? Summer. It combines everything I hate about the world into one miserable season. You know how in grade school and high school, kids and teachers would get so excited for the end of the school year and for the “best summer ever?” Yeah, that wasn’t me. I would glare at them with itchy allergy-ridden eyes and point a mosquito bitten finger at them, calling them names like Stupid, Ignoramus and Mrs. Thompson. I couldn’t stand the season, and I still dry-heave whenever anyone brings it up.
First of all, the weather. Summer weather is the absolute worst. It’s hot, it’s humid and everyone’s making it more hot and humid with their sweat. People always say, “But, Charlie, look outside! The sun’s out! Let’s get a tan! What great weather!”
Those people are liars, cheaters and legally convicted felons for all I know. “Let’s get a tan????????” You mean, “let’s all go outside and be uncomfortable for an hour so our skin dies.” You know what the Devil’s temperature is? That’s right, HOT. And you know when it’s hot? Summer. Thanks, Satan, for your gift of the worst season ever.
Second, is all of the free time. Why is there no school, no work for teachers, limited hours for some other careers? Why? You know who takes breaks? Socialists. And socialists are practically communists. And, as George Orwell says, communists are pigs. I’m no pig, and every second of my existence should be productive for the advancement of capitalism as we know it. Do we want communism to win? Because that’s exactly what summer allows. I will not let summORBACHEV defeat us, thank you.
Third, summer inevitably means “beach season” to many people throughout the country, whether they live anywhere near a beach or not. The beach, or the Devil’s Playground as the sane and righteous summer-haters call it, is riddled with foul disease and horrible creatures. Young girls running around in their “tankinis,” and sand getting into every single crack and orifice in your body. Disgusting. Beaches are especially dreary in the middle of the country. Ever try to go to a “Great” Lakes beach? Talk about humid, trash-filled depression on a bun.
You ever get a summer job? Working at an amusement park, doing food service or any other summer job that takes half an application and a loose promise to not steal the merchandise sucks the soul out of every participant. Or maybe you’re one of those that got a coveted internship. “Oooh look at me with my fancy title and my relevant work experience.” No, you’re a summer intern because a company wants to pay you very little for arbitrary labor that makes them look like a cutting edge company.
Or maybe you have no job for the summer and are just going with the flow (you know what flows? Magma in HELL). These are the worst of all, for these Lazy Snoozans sit around all day watching NOTFlix and playing P.S. 67. Shame on you and your evil ways!
The only good thing about summer at this point is that it’s over. Hoorah for us! We’ve survived another hellish season under Satan in the Sky (yes I mean the EVER BURNING SUN). And with the end of summer, we get back to classes and the cold weather. I, for one, can’t wait to be held up in the library, surrounded by textbooks and research documents, seeing the light of day for one fleeting moment as I slither back into my cave of stress and cramming. Summer is the one time of year where everything’s even more terrible, but it’s finally over.
Welcome back, Case Western, and see ya never, grueSUMMER.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *