11111 Euclid Avenue, Cleveland OH 44106

Survey finds political science majors matter, politicians don’t care

Oksinav Aizatsana

Members of the political science field fall into the minority of the population that believes there’s more to politics than theatrical yelling. Tired of facing discrimination for his alleged naiveté about how the world really works, a Cleveland pollster decided to ask the question, “Do political science majors matter?”
The answer has astonished politicians and would-be presidents alike. After knocking on every door in Cleveland and asking those who answered if political science majors matter, the pollster received nothing but yeses.
Convinced that the blatant disregard for the usual standards of political decency this election season meant people were probably lying, the pollster turned to Yik Yak. There, anonymity allows people to share their darkest thoughts without regard for the consequences or the opinions of others. But even on this social media platform, responses to the question “Do political science majors matter?” were overwhelmingly positive.
Needing a third and final source before he could celebrate, the pollster drove down to Columbus. He spoke with students at Ohio State University, community members and even political staffers. Once again, he received mostly positive answers to his query.
Overjoyed with these results, the pollster aimed to share his findings at the Republican National Convention. Unfortunately, delegates and politicians alike didn’t really seem to give an artless milk-livered scut about it. No one cared about the implications of his findings: that we have an accepted field of study from which to analyze the rise of an impulsive celebrity with no political knowledge, and that we can prevent America from experiencing similar situations in the future. Every time he tried to explain this he was told, “All majors matter.”
When he tried to explain that there is an implicit “too” at the end of his question, he was immediately shut down because, according to one New York delegate, “STEM majors matter.” It remains unclear why political science majors mattering would mean that STEM majors don’t.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *