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Taylor Swift to tie the know, shocks the nation

Reported by Hallie Dolin

Conor Kennedy. Jake Gyllenhaal. Joe Jonas. John Mayer. Harry Styles. Taylor Lautner. The Swamp Thing. What do all of these unfortunate creatures have in common?

Pop culture aficionados, and anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the past five years, will know the answer: They’ve all had the dubious luck of ending up in romantic relationships with musician Taylor Swift. The serial monogamist of 24 years has written a dozen or so songs containing the grisly details of each breakup, and many people have come to believe that her lifestyle is not only deliberate, but permanent.

Those misguided beliefs were abruptly brought to an end this week when Swift announced her engagement, which will culminate in a marriage on May Day – “the most romantic day of the year, apart from Valentine’s,” Swift told The Athenian. She plans to hold the wedding at her Nashville estate and to style it after the famous “Twilight” wedding; in her opinion, “that thing was really to die for.”

Fans the world over have already exposed the Internet to numerous Facebook groups and Instagram “squee” photos in support.

Swift has reportedly been in talks with Vera Wang, Karl Lagerfeld and the entire staff of Vogue about having her wedding sponsored in return for wearing a custom dress that, she has specified, must be “kickass.” Her official Facebook page has been filled with requests for invites to the wedding, with over fifty million people wishing her good luck or begging for an invitation within the past three days.

Her fiancé, accountant John Doe, has received no such accolades. Dubbed “Giant Dork” by Perez Hilton, Doe has come under fire for his average height, his hair color (brown) and his occupation, which fans and antagonists alike have deemed “a total snooze-fest.” One fan, who goes by the name “TaylorxxSwiftGURL” on most of her major social networking sites, summed the world’s problems with the relationship up in one creatively-written sentence: “shes just so awesome n deservz someone who’s not a BIG DORK sorry, i get sooooo board looking at him, yuck that puts me 2 sleep” (sic).

Detractors of the relationship, and of Taylor Swift as a person, tend to focus on the sudden nature of the engagement and the ease with which Swift has resorted to the use-‘em-and-lose-‘em method in the past when experiencing writer’s block. “I feel sorry for the poor guy, really, I do,” Doe’s fellow nerd Barack Obama tweeted in the wake of Swift’s announcement. “Her career is winding down, and this marriage won’t last if her tendency to purposefully orchestrate break-ups for songs holds true. John, we hardly knew ye.”

Swift has declined to comment on the war of comments raging around her, releasing only one final statement on the matter last night. “I am SO IN LOVE,” she told the blogosphere at a curious hour of the morning. “God, you guys, you don’t even know. I’m just full of butterflies and bigger butterflies. You seriously don’t know.”

Whether or not we know remains to be seen.

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