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The Athenian to change its name to Progressive First Quicken Energy Loans humor magazine

Sabanrab Bocaj

In an attempt to secure funding for The Athenian’s otherwise budget-less ventures, the executive staff has agreed to accept corporate sponsorships. It is a rare opportunity that big business would offer to finance a student publication, but the Case Western Reserve University administration urged the staff to do so, saying, “We will give them power of attorney—anything.”
CWRU has recently received large donations from other corporate sponsors, renaming Olin Building the “DuPont Building” and Kelvin H. Smith Library “DuPont 2.” The (previously known as) Athenian staff also benefits from the Lubrizol Lounge and the Fifth Third Bank Bathrooms.

The (formerly) Athenian staff would like to assure you, the readers, that these corporate sponsorships will in no way affect the integrity of our content. We are committed to ethical journalism and meaningful editorials that benefit you, just like Tempur-Pedic® Cloud Prima Full Mattresses. Despite so many compromising for corporate backers, from politicians of every party to nonprofit organizations, our record will remain Crest® 3D White Luxe Supreme Flexfit spotless. We have chosen to stand out the way we want to, like Tampax® Radiant has done for women across the nation.

Nike has agreed to support our endeavors, provided we buy only their athletic socks exclusively from Dick’s Sporting Goods and wear them visibly when in public, and Friskies has required us to include its logo with all appearances of our cat mascot, but really nothing has changed at all here at the (no longer) Athenian.

The creative contributors still go about their days as always, sipping their Folgers® Instant Coffee, putting on their Levi’s® Jeans one leg at a time, editing articles on their Dell® Inspiron 17 500 Series laptops—but now, there are resources to achieve the dreams that were impossible before. We can now build that 50-foot tall statue of Tony the Tiger that we always wanted to put in front of Thwing and have RC® Cola on tap. Swimming in 24/7 Qdoba® catering is only the beginning.

To appease our corporate benefactors Out of gratitude, I have decided to change my name to Cash for Gold Bocaj.

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