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The Athenian’s App of the Month: Harem Periods Tracker

Reported by YİĞİT, Turkish Harem Explorer Extraordinaire

Are you a lecherous yet popular sack of meat interested in other (probably less perverse) sacks of meat that bleed once a month? Are you interested in having sexually-oriented, non-pornographic materials on your phone as a ruse to trick your friends into believing you are far more sexually active than you truly are? Do you forget to turn your swag off when you go to bed and wake up covered in bitches? Are you the person who made this app? If so, you’re in luck! The Harem Periods Tracker is perfect for you!

The Harem Periods Tracker app is a wonderful way to keep track of all of your bitches. Need a date for tonight, but want to make sure that she isn’t going to complain the whole time and maybe try to kill you because the inside of her body is a raging storm of hormones that only bio-majors can pronounce? By simply opening this app and referencing your custom list of women and courtesans, you too can find out which women to avoid and who your best option is. By creating a profile for each woman and recording their ‘special days’ you feed the app enough information to calculate the length and timing of their periods. After that, the game is simple: reference the list of names and cute little weather report icons indicating the condition of each of the women. Conveniently, the app will even store your female counterparts’ contact information so you can contact them immediately! We all know you don’t have that stored anywhere else, especially in your cellphone’s contact list. Secrecy is the key!

The sad truth to this epic tale, however, is that this app will most likely be used to piss off women, avoid women you know to be in PMS, and very rarely be used to schedule a typical night of gender role specific dating and casual sex. That being said, a resourceful and cautious CWRU student who actually has sex (this number is not nearly as high as one might think) might use this app to avoid the other dreaded P word: Pregnancy. By stalking females and timing their bleeding cycles, their interval of lowest fertility can be determined. This is the optimum time for casual college mating. On the other hand, this is an environmentally sensitive issue. The use of this electronic identification will reduce the net women-tracking carbon and paper footprints. Who needs binders full of women when you have apps full of them?

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