Compiled by Josephus E. Tinnertink-McDuffle, music critic
Baauer – “Harlem Shake”
This song is sure to pick up ladies. No one’s ever heard of it, which means that bringing it up is sure to impress everyone with how much of a cultured music-listening hipster you are. You could even do a dance with it, I dunno—be creative. That’s all college girls are really asking for in a boy, right?
R. Kelly – “Bump ‘N Grind’
Once a couple decides they’re ready to get it on, this song is perfect to make the mood. R. Kelly’s hypnotic lyrics, cooing “You need someone, someone like me, girl, to make love you to, baby, constantly” work every time.
The Sugarhill Gang – “Rapper’s Delight’
Once the mood is set, all that’s needed is some confidence. Embody Big Bank Hank’s (AKA: Imp the Dimp, the Ladies Pimp) forwardness from when he raps, “The women fight for my delight” and “I can bust you out with my super sperm.” If you don’t really listen to the lyrics, this song appears fun and child-friendly, but it also gets incredibly inappropriate with the actual written words, which is what makes “Rapper’s Delight” an Athenian favorite.
Charles Trenet – “Pigeon Vole”
This upbeat song is French, so the lyrics could be basically anything. Make some up! Pretend that you know what he’s saying! Look to the previous song for your confidence and you’ll be able to pull off explaining to your lady how “pigeon vole” means “gorgeous woman.” Even if you can’t bluff for shit (merde), French = romantic, so this song is perfect for any intimate evening.
Sarah McLachlan – “Angel”
The first four songs guarantee finding a good partner, but if you’re just hopeless, wallow in your loneliness with Sarah McLachlan’s hit song featured on all those depressing commercials about animals in pounds. Even if you try not to, all you’ll be able to think about are those suffering, hurt puppies… We’re throwing you a bone, a good cry can make you feel better about your life.