Europe has been plagued with an ongoing scandal about the content of its hamburgers. Horse meat has been found in meat products across the continent, prompting officials to place tighter control on meat packing plants while also causing many bronies to cry into their pillows at night. The scandal heated up again last night as a piece of grainy footage surfaced that seems to depict horses being led to slaughter. Among them are horses closely resembling many former Olympic dressage thoroughbreds, including a horse that closely resembles Rafalca, the horse owned by Mitt Romney.
Known to most Americans as “that thing Stephen Colbert talked about that one time,” dressage is a sport which requires horses to prance about for a bunch of rich people in a fashion that appears to be quite demeaning. Winning horses are given trophies and then are lead back to the stable to (we assume) get beat up by the more macho horses.
Dressage has come under fire from animal-rights activists in the past for basically doing to a horse what ballet does to a ballerina’s feet (Do a Google search. We dare you). However, it was previously believed that the worst thing one could say about Dressage was “Wow, I didn’t know a hoof could bend that way. In fact, I didn’t think that hooves could bend at all.” Now activists are wondering whether losing the competition comes at a price.
Olympic Dressage Official, Ed Lane, claims that officials are strictly forbidden from selling the losing horses to slaughter houses: “This giant pile of money behind me is from my completely legal coke deal. I mean, I work with a coke dealer. I mean, I have a deal with Coca Cola…I’m not a criminal!”
In spite of Mr. Ed’s comments, the Olympic Dressage Team remains missing and is presumed dead. To honor the sacrifice of those brave mares and stallions, we here at the Athenian have asked the dining hall staff to add a new item to the university’s menu: the Rafalca Burger, made from beef imported directly from Europe.