eported by Emil Hufflenutz
Last week, at the 1000th Academy Awards, “The Room,” a classic drama from the year 2003, was awarded the Oscar for Best Film of the Millenium. The film was written and directed by Sir Tommy Wiseau, who also appears as the tragic hero Johnny. The film centers on Johnny’s relationship with his fiancée Lisa, whose infidelity with his friend Mark leads Johnny to his demise.
The film is notable for its incredibly intricate plot, which many people of Wiseau’s time could not fathom. Several plot twists, occurring in rapid succession, involve Lisa’s mother’s breast cancer diagnosis, minor character Denny’s emotionally powerful altercation with Chris R. and of course Mike’s disappearing underwear.
After the Artistic Renaissance of the Second Enlightenment in 2230, mankind was reborn as the Children of the A.R.S.E. The newly super-intelligent humans re-watched this masterpiece and were able to appreciate it for what it truly is: a work of unparalleled wit and social significance. Critics who dismissed this movie in Wiseau’s time as “The ‘Citizen Kane’ of bad movies,” are now today mocked for getting that adage so hilariously backwards.
Wiseau himself was brought back to life to accept this monumental award. His chiseled body rippled on stage as he graciously accepted, black sunglasses adorning his vaguely ethnic face, sleek tuxedo accentuating his Adonis-like body. He kept his speech short, saying only, “Oh, hi, Oscar.”
Not everyone was happy about his win, however. Juliette Danielle, the actress who played the villainess Lisa, was barred from attending the ceremony. While she wanted to go support her fellow actors, The Academy banned her because “Lisa was a big fat meanie to Johnny.”
Danielle contacted The Athenian for comment, but when asked about the ban, she simply said “I don’t want to talk about it.” She did, however, tell us how Wiseau saw her before the show and, overwhelmed with emotion, hit her.
Wiseau later held a press conference to discuss the film’s success. When asked how he had the intelligence to write his magnum opus in such an unenlightened age, he responded, “I cannot tell you, it’s confidential.” Some of the press had heard of Danielle’s accusations and asked Wiseau if Danielle was telling the truth. “I did not hit her, I DID NAHT,” was Wiseau’s only response. He then angrily called the press conference off, knocking microphones off desks. Doctors quickly took Wiseau away to his grave, so he could once again rest in peace.
In conjunction with this monumental award, “The Room” will be broadcast across the universe non-stop for the entire year, so that all may appreciate Wiseau’s incredible contribution to culture and society. No longer will Lisa tear us apart; Johnny will keep us together, throwing the football of peace so that we might catch it in our best dress.