The Truth Behind CWRU’s Messed Up Clocks

Sabanrab Nannerb

The oddly inconsistent clocks hung in lecture auditoriums and hallways around campus have long perplexed Case Western Reserve University students. Why does one stop for two seconds, then jump 15 seconds forward? Why do SAGES seminars stretch on so much longer on Mondays, and why do weekends seem to end sooner each month? The top minds on campus have attempted to answer these questions through the use of Occam’s Hairbrush, the Franciscan friar’s less notable principle stating that you might as well comb through all possibilities.

A common theory is that the little people who live in the clocks and are responsible for turning them have begun to unionize. In response to the unfavorable working conditions created by the clock masters, the little blue-collar workers have gone on strike multiple times. As they are so tiny, the strikes have lasted only a few seconds at a time. Word is they negotiated better wages and overtime pay, which may account for the sudden increases in time production.

This coming month may prove even more chaotic for the time-turning industry, as they have nominated their own, extra-tiny Trumpopulist candidate for office. Some have threatened to move to digital clocks if he is elected.

Another popular theory is that the discordance among the campus clocks is due to the physics department’s  experiments in gravity manipulation. The resulting mini gravity wells have caused time dilation across the quad that even bled into North Side. Supposedly, the newest faculty member leading the research is actually Albert Einstein, who faked his death after inventing an aerospace craft that can travel near the speed of light. Evidently he traveled into the future to see his legacy—a  fitting move for the biggest troll in the scientific community.

Most disturbing is the theory that all CWRU undergraduates are merely lab rats in an elaborate psychology experiment. The purpose of the experiment is to test the effects of subliminal disorientation on students due to the duration of delays and discontinuities of time. If students survive this gradual descent into madness, they are awarded a cheese diploma upon graduation. Our daring reporters attempted to corroborate this theory, but the students they interviewed started to nibble on the microphone. This theory explains some of the ungodly course loads CWRU subjects students to each semester, as well as the close kinship between students and campus squirrels.

Also highly prevalent is the belief that the faulty clocks are connected to a synchronized Christmas lights program, the kind that is over-thought and unnecessary, similar to the lights display of your neighbor who thought they could “win” Christmas. The general consensus is that an overly competitive student rigged the clocks intentionally to throw everyone off and nab valedictorian.

Our intrepid reporters at The Athenian will continue to investigate which, if any, of these theories are true.

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