As the 2016 election approaches, it’s time to consider our country’s possible futures. Perhaps we’ll have an alien whose wig hasn’t done much to disguise him, our first female president or maybe we’ll put a socialist in charge. There might even be a dark horse independent runner who takes us all by surprise and wins the election.
If Donald Trump wins the presidency, the world as we know it will change. It’s clear that he’ll issue his own executive orders to counteract President Barack Obama’s recent changes to gun control. More comprehensive background checks might take Second Amendment rights away from violent criminals, so instead, Trump will ensure that guns are made available to all.
In fact, they’ll replace our currency. Put away your dollar bills, kids. You’ll need to learn how to handle a pistol if you want to buy yourself a piece of candy. However, many Americans have already proclaimed that they will move to Canada if Trump is in charge.
To prevent this mass exodus, Trump will naturally force Canada to build a wall along its border, which Canada will most likely agree to because Americans are actually ruining that prestigious country.
If Hillary Clinton wins, we will have a very different version of America. Clearly women are overly emotional, mostly because of a certain occurrence each month. It doesn’t matter that Clinton is 68 years old and not physically capable of that anymore—men need that excuse for when they disagree with Clinton’s policies. If she ever wants to get anything done she’ll have to be sure to not act too aggressive or her fellow politicians will write her off as a bitch. If her outfits aren’t on point 100 percent of the time the media will criticize her and question her soundness of mind. Can someone who can’t put together a decent outfit really run our country?
As a self-proclaimed socialist, Bernie Sanders is clearly a Red spy. If elected he’ll have us erecting statues of Stalin within two weeks of his inauguration. If you disagree with his push to reduce income inequality in this country, you’ll be sent to the gulags that he will most likely create in the cold and sparsely populated state of Wyoming. Chances are the one percent will be the first ones sent to the gulags.
Finally, we have our dark horse—the Case Western Reserve University squirrel whose policies will make America great again. The CWRU squirrel has mastered the art of launching acorns at passersby below at missile-like speeds. This information is invaluable to the Pentagon, and will massively improve America’s military.
Furthermore, the CWRU squirrel has lost its natural fear of humans. This fearlessness will unnerve people at international diplomatic talks so much that they will have no choice but to fall in line with what America wants just so they can get away. The squirrel is clearly the best choice for president.
America has many potential futures; go out and vote for your favorite.