Top Five Ways to Slow Down Time

Paul Palumbo

As a college campus, CWRU is capable of performing all kinds of temporal mischief. Obviously time flies when you’re having fun, but what are some ways to make Cronos take it nice and slow?

  1. Horrible Classes – The easiest way to slow time is to find a class that you absolutely cannot stand. We’ve all been there, in some class required for our major, where the minutes feel like years and the drying paint provides more engagement than Professor Reads-Slides-Aloud. Bonus points if it’s not even a required class, but one that your stupid friend convinced you to take with them.
  2. Dining Hall Lines – The worst kind of waiting is waiting to get food. Not only does the person in front of you desperately need a hot dog, a hamburger and individually selected fries, but you can see the food you want to eat through the glass.
  3. Slow Internet – The length of the loading bar is directly correlated to how slowly time is moving. At 99 percent, it’s possible to see a hummingbird’s wings. Just be ready for the whiplash when it hits 100 percent and time abruptly shifts back to normal.
  4. The Next Episode of Your Favorite Show – The last one ended on a cliffhanger! Weeks aren’t supposed to be this long; I swear there’s been at least 17 days already. I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!
  5. Time Distortion Unit – Given how many engineers there are at CWRU, this one almost seemed too obvious to mention. Still, for all you economics majors or whatever, a Time Distortion Unit provides the most precise way to warp time to an exact speed of your liking, but there’s a lot of science/magic involved. Ask your professor about it. Heck, maybe you’ll get some extra credit, too.

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