For the past few weeks, sparrows, robins, nuthatches, but mostly geese have stopped flying on campus and began taking public transportation. The presence of these birds was rationalized by many as seeing Case Western Reserve University students just before finals week: both species are quiet, disheveled and fervently pursue free food.
Officer Mark was the first to become suspicious of the birds when they didn’t return his high-fives. An influx of complaints about being “pecked” on the Greenies followed. In response, a rapid meeting of science faculty determined the probable cause of the events: due to a sudden front of lethargy moving in from the east, CWRU birds have become too lazy to fly.
Drivers are advised to drive past crosswalks in the area with care because geese have been using the routes extensively, particularly to get to and from Wade Lagoon. In addition, a number of avian entrepreneurs have been spotted boarding the Healthline to get around campus. These birds have been taking advantage of the fact that the most bus drivers do not check for RTA passes. The token few birds that are checked have been known to simply squawk at the top of their lungs, convincing the driver that an ambulance must be passing by, and then proceed to slip past in the confusion.
Finally, The Athenian would like to remind all students that if a situation ever feels unsafe, all students should call CWRU PD at 216-368-9999 as well as defend their territory by holding their ground while waving their hands and shouting to appear bigger than they actually are.