ANAHEIM, CA—For the fourth consecutive year in a row, the International Tourism Board (ITB) ranked the U.S. as the country with the greatest Subway system in the world.
The report cited metrics such as friendliness of employees and cleanliness as those in which the United States handily outperformed other nations.
A Korean tourist to the U.S. who was randomly surveyed by the ITB explained his surprise and delight with America’s Subways: “Back home, the Subways are dirty and crowded, but the Subways here are in much better condition from city to city. I’ve been in Charleston, New York, Chicago, even Cleveland and in each case they’ve been clean and spacious.” While munching on a succulent Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki, he helpfully added, “The restrooms are actually useable here!”
Samika Krishnan, the ITB secretary-general, explained that a key factor in the board’s decision was the accessibility of Subways across America. “You can go into practically any city across the country and find a Subway nearby, perfect for busy people on the go!”
She also mentioned that while legal challenges, such as increased taxation in Cuba, forced other Subways across the globe underground, the U.S. did not share these issues. The unique American success truly allows the consumer to “have it your way!”
At press time, Krishnan had ducked into the nearest Subway and was picking up a zesty Meatball Marinara footlong with just enough time to make her evening commute