Unconventional Method Used to Appoint New COC 2019 President

Steve Kerby
After the recent impeachment of the President of the Class Officer Collective Class of 2019, attempts to appoint a new interim president stalled repeatedly. The remaining COC 2019 exec members planned a secret meeting in the basement of Wade Commons. However, undercover protesters hiding in trash cans broke up the meeting with signs reading “Justice for Jung” and “#NotMyCOC.” After that humiliating defeat, COC 2019 exec held a town-hall election around the Spitball the next day, but reporters from The Observer and satirists from The Athenian rained knock-knock jokes and probing questions respectively.
As the semester wore on, COC 2019 became more and more desperate for a new president; however, not a single student professed interest in taking up the post. Shelia O’Brian quipped “Who would want a job where ‘just cuz’ is a good enough reason for dismissal?” Desperate to consolidate their authority and authenticity, COC 2019 exec fell back to a classic method for choosing a new president.
Special constitutional considerations were put into place specifically for this election, to prevent confusion. Besides a clause allowing COC to sell the internet history of CWRU students without their assent, the constitutional basis for the upcoming election was confirmed. After setting the time for the beginning of the election, several loudspeakers were set up around campus and tuned to the secret radio station atop Glennan. At the designated time (Feb 5th, 2:30 a.m. ET), the call went out and reverberated around campus: “COC PRESIDENT CLASS OF 2019, NOES GOES!”
(Noes Goes is a classic method to determine who in a large group will take up a certain task, such as cleaning up dishes or dying to feed everyone else on the life raft. Upon “Noes Goes” being called, everyone must touch their nose. The last person to do so (as determined by the person who called “Noes Goes” to prevent conflicts of interest (of course)) must immediately begin the task, pursuant to ancient Noes Goes law, (“Ye who doth fail to quickly Touch thy Nose shall Pursue the Task”))
Editor’s Note: Steve, we don’t keep you here to write half-formed hooey that a monkey tripping on Leutner Blondies could crap out. No more nested parentheses.
The new COC Class of 2019 President, Josh Frey, was kidnapped from his dorm room where he had been sleeping and brought to a clandestine meeting where the sacred COC induction rituals were immediately enacted. In his first public appearance, Frey commented that “Uh, I’m sure COC will, uh, be able to do great stuff, and give out free T-shirts. Can I go back to bed now?” He was then ushered offstage by handers while the remaining COC exec members finished their presentation to The Observer reporter, a hobo who had followed the scent of free food into Tink, and yours truly, reporting for The Athenian.

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