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United States National Debt Solved by Selling Textbooks

Meg Griffin

As of yesterday, the United States was 17 trillion dollars in debt.

That is equivalent to 650 million new cars, Lebron James for the next 850,000 years and 34 trillion condoms. If you spent 1 million dollars every day since Jesus was born, you would have not even spent 1 trillion dollars by now.

But after all these years of economic disaster, we finally have a solution. The United States government has found a way to pay off the debt: sell college textbooks.

It’s quite brilliant, actually. The least utilized, most expensive assets in the United States of America are 1) gym memberships and 2) textbooks used at the university level. As Alyssa Rogers, a university student, explains, it is not uncommon to buy $500 textbooks.

“Sometimes our teachers will demand we get a certain edition of the book, which makes sense because we are learning more and more about American history every year. But then, we’ll use a total of 10 pages in the book.”

The government has taken advantage, and is now selling textbooks to other countries. Other countries are buying into this scheme, hoping to discover our secret to beautiful combination of high graduation rates and low job security. By selling useless assets for the absurd prices that students usually pay, the profits are outstanding. The debt is declining rapidly, and the United States is just under 1 trillion dollars in debt. A miracle.

All you had to do in 1980 to pay for college was to save up a little, take out minimal loans and pay your tuition. In 2014, after selling your most valuable organ, you may be able to scrape up one year of tuition and maybe a textbook here and there.

Well, it appears the nation’s debt may be solved, but student debt remains. Worst of all, it may not even be worth it. In 1980, when you got your degree, you got to work in your field. What to do with your degree in 2014? Cry.

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