Ladies and gentlemen, we have a war on our hands: the war on drugs. This wildly successful war has been going on for decades, started by the honest patriot Richard Nixon in the mid-1970s to combat the hippy-dippy flower children who infected our youth with their LSD and peace talks. This war, as you all know, has been growing in popularity in the past few years; prison populations are at an all-time
high maximum thanks to the efforts of the genuine, hard-working agents of the DEA.
Recently, however, treason-loving “states” have decided to ignore the federal government and legalize marijuana, also known as weed, grass, bud and the Devil’s kale. ColoraDON’T and WashingSTONED legalized the satanic plant after their atheist lawmen decided to blaze it instead of praise it.
As the rest of the country knows, marijuana kills babies, turns our children into homosexuals and, most dangerously, promotes obesity among our women. In a recent survey of avid watchers of “The O’Reilly Factor,” a whopping 96 percent agree that killing children in cold blood is wrong. If killing children is wrong, why do we want marijuana to be legal? Studies conducted by Weed Is Bad Because It’s Toxic (WIBBIT), an unbiased research group, found that THC, the main ingredient in Devil’s Bud, accounts for 100 percent of all natural disasters in the world.
Trust me, marijuana is the worst.
I understand my opinion is unpopular. I constantly hear from punk kids and ugly sinners known as “scientists” that marijuana actually has “real health benefits.” Whenever they tell me these lies, I laugh in their faces and throw whatever I am holding at them, which are usually anti- marijuana pamphlets. Even if they are correct, that this evil plant has some sort of benefit for people, I still fully believe it should be banned. I know what is best for people: for the government to tell them what to do in their free time, regardless of whether it actually affects other people or not.
The laws of our country are in place to help people, to show them the light that is my personal opinion! Besides, if we start changing these laws, what’s next? Duck marriages? Because I know for a fact that all ducks are male (the female equivalent is geese, obviously), and gay duck marriages are the last thing this country needs!
If these scary facts won’t sway you, think of all the good that will come of continuing to ban weed and kicking the two Communist states ColoBADo and BREAKINGTHELAWshington out of the U.S. No one will be on drugs. The word “baked” will only apply to cookies fresh out of the oven. Satan will retreat back to Hell and the sinners will perish. But all this is achievable only with the complete annihilation of marijuana and marijuana-based terrors!
So, readers, encourage your kids to use hugs, not drugs; to smoke friendship, not weed; to inject love intravenously, not illicit substances. The war on drugs doesn’t have to stop with Bush! Barack HUSSEIN NObama isn’t doing anything to protect your kids from WAHWAHWAHshington and SHOCKEDANDAPPALLEDorado. Defend your country, stop smoking dope, and don’t let The Devil invade your kids!
Charlie Topel is a sophomore majoring in masochism with a minor in giving up. In his free time he enjoys knitting, baking and composing black metal operas.