Anne Nickoloff, Editor in Chief
For fancy people, the world can be a frightening place. Words we are unaccustomed to can sound like a foreign language, and navigating the sidewalks of any major city can be filled with confusion and disgust. Here is a handy guide for the top one percent to get through a day in the city. Subway: /ˈsəbˌwā/ noun A mode of transportation. Like limousines, they take you from one place to another. Unlike limousines, they run on a schedule other than one’s own, and have a distinct scent of urine mixed with that smell your child brings in after playing in the pool too long.
Ramen noodles: /ˈrämən ˈno͞odl/ noun Shredded cardboard, which tastes salty like caviar. Heated in a contraption called a “microwave.” This food sustains the masses in their day-to-day lives.
Coupons: /ˈk(y)o͞oˌpän/ noun A foolish form of currency used to decrease minimal amounts of money being spent on food and basic necessities. Coupons are used to save small dollar amounts not unlike food stamps. Why they would ever be needed, we are unsure.
Pennies: /ˈpenē/ noun Small, metal, round objects that for some strange reason are not made out of gold. They appear to be useless.
Energy drink: /ˈenərjē driNGk/ noun The energy drink is a low-grade form of venti cappuccino with soy, used to keep the masses functional at their desk jobs. Energy drinks have a taste of chemical detergent and synthetic fruit flavor.
Bathtub: /ˈbaTHˌtəb/ noun A primitive jacuzzi, comparable to the cleanliness of Pomeranian’s mouth. The bathtub is used for cleaning urban filth.
Clocks: / kläk/ noun Inventions which hang on the wall, displaying the time of day for those who don’t have a personal butler to announce the hour, or a Google Glass to display the time.
Alarm clock: /əˈlärm kläk/ noun A subsection of the “clock” family, which awakens those who have morning obligations other than sleeping until noon in a king-size bed.
Broom: /bro͞om,bro͝om/ noun The broom is a mechanism used by your housekeeper
for collecting dust and dirt into small piles, which are then bagged and disposed of.
They are an early form of the Roomba.
Eye glasses: /ī ˈɡlasiz/ noun This item is used purely as a fashion statement. They
come in the form of clear or darkened glass.
Disestablishmentarianism: / dĭs′ĭstăb′ lĭsh-mən-târ′ē-ən/ noun What the devil is this? It has more than six syllables, and is an unfit word for any human to utter. Ask the butler to Google this for you, and find a better result than we can offer.
Job: / jäb/ noun Some way the masses choose to spend their time when not sleeping, eating, or watching films on their personal home theaters. Jobs are a complete snooze, if you ask us.