We have just received word from Case Western Reserve University administration regarding changes in class schedules. We now have a 15 minute block between consecutive classes, a 50 percent increase. This generous gift opens up a plethora of activities after a healthy dose of Reddit browsing in Strosacker. No longer shall our shenanigans stay limited to 10 minutes before we shamble to the next class. Fortunately, I’ve run the numbers and selected the best options for inter-lesson debauchery.
A personal favorite, the additional five minutes can add much depth to mini-protests against administrative conspiracies on the quad. Everyone needs to know how the meal plan policy is an extortion tactic the school uses to secretly fund wars in developing nations. These protests have the added benefit of protection from the First Amendment, so if a professor complains when you still show up to class five minutes late, they can and will face legal consequences.
For those who suffer from social anxiety or refuse to see the truth, you can find a nice nook on the quad and create some original self-deprecating memes as a silent call for help. Nine out of every 10 CWRU students have spent an extended period of time in a crippling existential crisis according to my poll, myself included. The knowledge that even a single person perused my meme and chuckled silently on the inside fills me with determination to go to my next class.
Critics of this change argue that the extended period could force social interaction, as some students love to let their inner socialite blossom between classes. A few may try to chat about the athletic clubs that call Cleveland their host. These chatty individuals may ask for your opinion on the team’s performance and nod as if listening, and then regurgitate some fascinating statistics they read online. The preferred solution for escaping these awkward situations is to pretend to get hit by the HealthLine.
Regardless of how you spend your time between classes, rest assured that just like last year, the only people who get to class early are those Eager Evans and Punctual Patricks. These are the students who need the front seat to gain the professor’s favor. Don’t be an Eager Evan; show up to class five minutes late like everyone else.