An Urgent Message from Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, President of the Tin Foil Hat Society
Have you ever taken a walk on the beach on a nice day? Sun in your hair, sand everywhere, waves dancing with your feet? Just as you’re about to leave you marvel at the endless stretch of blue in front of you and think, “By George, it’s a shame that none of this is real and that this is all a part of an entelechial augmented reality imposed upon us by our lizard overlords.”
If you haven’t, then the information I am about to give you just might shatter your pea-sized cranium into billions of pieces.
I’ve been standing idly by in the shadows for years, watching this “world” continue to spiral into complete disarray. Year after year, we’ve sunk further and further into depravity, but once I saw that the head lizard woman and a decaying orange were the only things we had left in the battle to lead our nation, I knew it was finally time to act.
Remember the classic, award-winning action film “2012” starring living legend John Cusack? I bet you don’t. In this reality, people just shrugged it off. What the liberal media doesn’t want you to know is that the film depicted our actual world.
You see, the world as we know it didn’t end from everything collapsing upon itself. It was more of a light, breezy disease outbreak. We had several, in fact, that manifested in a way that’s not too far off from that Ebola “crisis” we “had” about a year ago, except a lot more zombie-ish. On the way down, the government, aka lizard people, were pumping out these augmented reality devices, sending them to homes of survivors. Just like that you’ve got our current predicament.
Haven’t you been wondering why the world seems like it’s been enacting a script written by M. Night Shyamalan? This explains everything. The reign of the annoying orange, the lizard woman getting pneumonia, Texas never realizing its promise to secede from the U.S., Jon Stewart leaving “The Daily Show” and, worst of all, the ending of “How I Met Your Mother.”
It’s time to get up now, sweetie. This whole virtual reality thing is cute, but it’s time to come to terms with the fact that you’ve been living a lie for the last four years of your life. It’s time to come back to the real world and obliterate this one. There is no reason why there should be a reality where Kanye West and Kim Kardashian take the White House.