The Athenian staff was gathered in the University Media Board Office of Thwing, playing racquetball off the walls while brainstorming ideas for the next issue, when a sudden crack rang out. After celebrating a successful trick shot, a staff member turned back to the table and noticed that a silver package had. Inside, on shining electric paper, was what appeared to be a copy of The Observer from the year 2103. Not one to let pass an opportunity to subvert plagiarism rules by publishing pieces that have not yet been written, the author has included the following article. The article has been transcribed word for word from the gossamer computer screen and appears in lieu of the usual ranting manifestos on duck mating calls.
Modern Art Puzzle Continues
A recent study by researchers at CWRU School of Engineering and Hyperplasic Astotsrophy has begun to solve the heated debate about the origin of modern art around campus. For years, scientists have proposed hypotheses to explain why students can’t get to class without jumping, crawling or schmoozing their ways around these multiplying metallic monstrosities. The baffling appearance of a giant, phallus-shaped fountain in the middle of the quad was the first incident on record. Soon after, strange tangles of metal also appeared around the Northern Residential Villages and Strosacker Auditorium, and were affectionately nicknamed “Ugly Statue” and “Spitball.” However, any fondness students felt towards the dubiously artistic creations quickly vanished as the statues continued to proliferate across campus. Pieces of particular note include “Great Hypercube” which trapped dozens of students in their residence hall after it sprouted in the Raymond lobby and “Fractal Slender” which maintains its distance from students by retreating if anyone draws close*. Recently, a prominent campus group has come forward claiming the statues were placed here by the Great and Almighty Sky God Pxshyx to test the faith of believers. Evidence for this belief has yet to be presented, but this has failed to shake the faith of Pxshyxians.
*Several enterprising students once attempted to trap the “Fractal Slender” piece by circling around the sculpture and moving inwards. There were no survivors.
Reported by Tejas Joshi
Tinkham Veale Center lifts off
Many members of the campus community are still in shock after witnessing the Tinkham Veale university center launch itself into orbit last week.
The building unexpectedly pulled itself out of the ground and shook off its grass roof transforming into what appeared to be a winged creature. To the further disbelief of the campus community, the building used its apparent wings to take flight for the upper atmosphere. The building is now in orbit around Earth, and shows no signs of returning to the surface.
“I always thought it looked a little shifty,” said junior Heather Smith, witness to the takeoff. “It just seemed too aerodynamic to be a normal building. I never trusted that interactive immersion zone, either.”
Due to the unexpected nature of the takeoff, about a hundred students remain trapped inside including the entire University Program Board. The Board’s weekly meeting was occurring during the unplanned launch. They are not in immediate danger, and the university administration says it is not too concerned about the students themselves.
“Most of the students in—uh, aboard—the Tinkham Veale center have highly developed leadership skills,” said an administrator. “This is an opportunity for these highly motivated students to take the initiative by taking care of themselves until we’re able to shuttle them back down to Earth.” In fact, the university seems rather pleased with the building’s liftoff. During an emergency meeting with her cabinet, Barbara Snyder discussed the possibility of making the orbiting building a permanent feature of the campus.
“It’s an underutilized area for university expansion,” she said during the meeting. “University Circle is getting more crowded every year, and this could be the natural area for us to develop next.”
Administrators cited the novelty of a space branch for the university as a recruitment tool. Currently, the University of Phoenix is the only school with a space campus.
Some students are also excited about the possibility of the proposed expansion. Student Steven Morley said he would be interested in studying there. “It’s not like I want to go deep-space exploring where no man has gone before,” he said, “but it might be a cool place to do research next summer. Almost as good as Hawaii.”
Reported by John Rambo