Who to choose: An in-depth analysis of the G.O.P. candidates

Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley, A rapidly aging white male

I’ve always enjoyed sitting back and watching the political dog and pony show unfold from my gold-plated yacht off the coast of Venezuela, but I say, the tides of this presidential race are even pulling me in.

There’s not only a glorified commie, but a WOMAN running for president, which I guess should be expected when dealing with the left, but even my own party has me baffled. In my day, our party’s shenanigans were caused by actual criminal behavior, not blatant name calling that would be deemed lame by the average fifth grader. With this in mind, I barely know of what to make of all this, and I can’t even fathom what the thoughts of the common plebeians are. On that note, I’ve decided to do what any God-loving patriot, in dire need of a tax write off, would do and break it all down for FREE in a college newspaper.

I think it’s only fair to start with the prized pony the establishment chose to hitch their wagon to: Marco Rubio. He’s allergic to any real advancement on the social front, just like we like ‘em, and is pretty much your paint by numbers republican in a fancy, limited edition Cuban wrapping paper. I mean just look at that smile! That’s a winner’s smile.

Then there’s Ted Cruz and Donald Trump; the Evangelical and King Midas respectively. I don’t know if there is a better way to define extreme than these two. Now don’t get me wrong, I love belligerently yelling at foreigners, all types I don’t discriminate (I’m looking at you, Europe), and talking Jesus just as much as the next guy, but these two are just too flashy and entertaining. Are Juilliard and the Oval Office the same thing?

Clearly the nominee should be John Kasich. He’s the kind of Republican we all know and tolerate, plus the same familiar packaging as nominees before him. He’s so bland, which in turn makes him so godly. This brilliant man should be ruler of the world, but I digress.

Regardless of who gets the nomination I still get to stop storing my billions in offshore bank accounts thanks to the huge cuts in taxes that will take place when we take the White House, so this is a win-win for me.

Whelp, now that things are all cleared up, I’ll leave the rest of the puzzle for someone else, and get back to enjoying my Caribbean Passion.

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